THE INDEcIsION REVERBERATION
Things have got to change. I have to change too. Maybe I need to change before I can effect the changes that are necessary to move my family forward?
The trouble is, I can’t seem to stay-on-course with anything I do at the moment. Just when I think I’ve made a firm decision about this or that, another idea or scenario pops into my head and fucks up the plans that I’ve just made?! I’m starting to worry about my lack of focus. I’m talking about the laser-focused determination to see something through to its conclusion.
An example would be, my fitness. Let’s assume that I have made another choice about the exercise that I’m going to do, to lose weight and to improve my fitness. I begin the new regime, with the best of intentions. A few days into the plan, I lose focus, get caught up in some other random thing and go completely off track. I begin to make excuses to myself, telling myself that “I’ll get back on it tomorrow”, or something like that. Before I know it, I’m miles off course and cannot find a way back. I get lost in my mind; sometimes it feels like I have too much churning over and over in there. Meditation helps, writing helps, spending time with my family and friends help, but none of them seems to be able to cure my indecision.
My biggest worry, day-to-day, is money, or rather a lack of it. I spend so much time worrying about paying the bills, buying food and keeping our car running, that I don’t seem to have a chance to think about anything else. Finding work, either freelance or full-time is hard at the moment. I’m always challenged by not getting paid properly for the work that I do, or in being able to find a full-time position that pays enough to cover all of our outgoings. I don’t want to commute in and out of London, but if the money were good enough, then, of course, I would do it. I also worry that being a big fat man that is almost fifty years old, also is putting hidden obstacles in my way. If I can lose weight and fit into my nice suits again, that might help I guess? I’m sure that most employers will choose the slim, fit thirty-something over the fat, balding forty-something any day of the week.
It seems to me, as I sit and write this, that all of my indecisiveness comes from a lack of confidence. The fix must be to rebuild my confidence, and that will only happen once I find the real me again. I am fed up with being stuck in this fat suit, and the reverberations of my indecisions are wearing me down. So, I guess we’re back to me finding a way to lose weight and increase, not only my fitness but my confidence too. Once that happens, I’m certain that my life will begin to move onto a bearing that will take me to the fast track to happiness and fulfilment.
Who knows, maybe my writing will reflect the changes, and stop being so maudlin?
Until the next time, adieu!