When I woke up this morning I felt different. My dreams were filled with images of loved ones from the present and the past, both dead and alive.
I felt different because emotions that I’d buried deep down inside had bubbled to the surface. Now, I haven’t quite managed to put my finger on it just yet, but I think these feelings are something to do with how I feel about life right now. I’ve spoken at length about how important close family and friends are to me, and those opinions have not changed.
But just lately I’ve been thinking about mortality, specifically my own. This morning I’ve realised that, if I’m very lucky, I might just about be at the half-way point in my life. By that rationale I’ll be 94 when I’m ready to wind down and shuffle off this mortal coil. Karta would like me to last until I’m one hundred!
The first half of my life has had some huge ups and downs, it really has been a roller-coaster ride. The last ten years have been the most significant, marriage and having a child made sure of that. The ten years before were a mix of highs and lows, many of which I’d rather forget.
Prior to that I have a very patchy memory. I get days when I have clarity, but for the best part I really can’t remember too much. It feels like a waste, and that makes me sad.
This all comes at a time when I’ve lost sight of where I want to go with my life. I want and need to do something that fulfils me every day, over and above my daily house-husband duties that is.
The more that I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve come to the conclusion that I just need to be the very best version of me that I can be. I’m sure I mentioned that in my last post; but by losing weight and getting fit I will be able to live longer and bring up my boy to be a beautiful human being. That will be my greatest contribution to the world.
So the road I’m going to travel is the one that makes me take life a day at a time. As a family we still have a few hurdles to get over this summer, but generally we are going to be in a much better place emotionally. I’m going to continue to collect experiences instead of stuff, I mean to travel more and often, visit the great museums and art galleries of Europe and I intend to spend much more time in wild places.
Immersing myself in flow, the moment, the now has begun to shine a light on possibilities. “Live each day as if it were your last”, is an old saying but significant. I’ve wasted so much time floundering around trying to work out what the fuck it is that I’m going to do with my life, that I’ve missed a lot of it. Not any more my friends, not any more.
My only long-term goals now are, 1. Lose weight and improve my fitness, 2. Raise my son to be a loving and compassionate man, and 3. To be the best version of me that I can.
Everything else will have to fit in with those goals, but seeing as they are the only two things that I am focussed on, life should be a whole lot easier!
The cohesion that I’m looking for, the stability and direction I want to find is right in front of me. It’s all a matter of scale; understanding what a small cog on the big wheel of life I am isn’t as daunting as I feared. It’s actually reassuring in some strange way. I just need to take it one day at a time; twenty four hours is easier to manage than days, weeks, months and years. Scale down and things get easier. No need to worry about the things that haven’t happened yet and certainly no point in dwelling in the past.
Now if I can just shake off this man-flu, I can get started.
Until next time….. Adieu