Do you ever feel like the days are slipping away so fast that life seems to be accelerating? I’ve been feeling that way lately. I need to come up with a strategy to help me get more out of my day. Exercise and doing something meaningful every day has to be a priority. I’m also starting to think that I should be waking up a lot earlier than I do right now.
I like to think that I have been keeping depression at bay, but lately, I’m not sure. I continue to flit between grand ideas and being unable to focus on one thing. As I have mentioned in my last post, there is potential trouble ahead, and I struggle to keep that potential future from affecting me in the here and now. I am distracted.
Being an eternal optimist is difficult sometimes. When the ‘black dog’ is circling the boundaries of my happiness, I find it hard to remain happy. I fucking hate uncertainty. I can live with it most of the time, but when things that affect my family are out of my control, I become overwhelmed with fight or flight feelings. A small lottery win would help.
This is the 700th post on my tiny, insignificant blog! Over the last few days, I have found myself pondering life and my place in the world. I have read books and articles, watched YouTube videos and meditated. Finally, I have concluded that I need to very firmly put the past behind me and move forward through the rest of my time here, one day at a time.
I’m having a bit of an off day today, time to meditate for an hour, methinks!
For the first time in many months, I find myself alone at home; this is rare.
So, what did I do with this slice of freedom? I cleaned the house, listened to some music and watched a few YouTube videos. Is that constructive? I don’t know, but anyway, it has all lead me to sit down and spew forth some words of encouragement and reflection.
For the first time in a while, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror today and had a conversation with myself. I looked myself in the eye and made a heartfelt promise to myself and my family.
Does that make me weird, talking to myself like that?
I am trying to live an honest life; but, discretion is the better part of valour, they say.
I need to stop lying to myself and change my destiny. I need to find the genuine version of me, not some amalgam of who everyone thinks that I should be.
The real me feels buried beneath 40-years’ of pretence. My life has been bent and twisted out of shape so many times that I have forgotten who I am. I have been many things to many people, but the real version on me lies trapped.
It is time to peel back the layers of accumulated bullshit and come back into the light. The black dog will never be able to hurt me again.
I am feeling a profound sense of loss this morning.
There are many factors at play here, the loss of loved ones, the loss of friendships, loss of income, loss of dignity, lack of opportunity, I could go on.
2018 has had its ups and downs, and through it all, I have tried my best to show a degree of stoicism.
I am not out of the woods yet; I have challenges ahead that will push me to the limit of what I can take.
I will not allow myself to lose it. I need to write an essay about how turning 50 is going to affect me. I will publish that over at CoZ.
That is all.
Lately, I am being pulled in fewer directions that I have in the past.
I still don’t have a “day job”, and I’m continually trying to work out a way of getting paid for doing the things that bring me joy.
I love to write; I like to create imagery, watch movies and to travel. Most of all, I enjoy spending time with my family and a few close friends.
My priority has to be living a fulfilled life. My wife and son keep my compass true so that I might stay on course to something that really matters.
It would seem that I now need to pay close attention to my health once again.
Until next time, adieu.
Social media copies gambling methods ‘to create psychological cravings’
“It will be social suicide; you will disappear, and no one will know who you are!”
The 1st of April 2018 has been in my sights for a few weeks now; it is the day I finally quit Facebook forever.
There’s not much to say about this decision. For a couple of years now I have been procrastinating about quitting social media, or at the very least severely curbing my use of it.
So, I decided that enough was enough. I have been spending far too much time sitting at my computer, mindlessly trawling through my timeline and staring at a screen filled with the same old shit.
Except for Instagram, I deleted all social media apps from my phone. This was partly down to the immense amount of battery life they consumed, but mostly it was because of the constant notifications that were appearing. I turned off those notification features, but it was all too easy to open one of the apps, just to see what was happening in the world. They had to go.
Too many times in the past I have jumped off of Facebook, but only ever temporarily. I chose just to deactivate my account, rather than hit delete. Today though, I took the plunge.
For the first time in a long, long time, I had no reason to take my smartphone out with me. I didn’t need anything it could offer, aside from being able to make a phone call. Instead, I set up a call divert feature and took my Punkt dumb-phone out with me instead. I didn’t have to look at it once.
I’m going to keep my Twitter account active, although I will not be using it unless I need to find something out quickly or send a direct message to a follower or a company that I follow. I’ve changed the settings on that account to make it private and have done the same thing with my Instagram account.
The next phase of my digital spring clean will be to quit watching the news, either on TV or via the internet. I’m not burying my head in the sand; I’m just trying to see what difference it makes to me on a daily basis. I have a feeling that I will have more time to focus on getting healthy and spending quality time with family and friends.
I honestly believe that news and social media in the digital age have conspired to make me into a grumpy old curmudgeon. Well, enough of that shit, here’s to the new me!
Until next time, adieu.