THE MAN WITH A PLAN.
I’m changing. Turning into the person, I used to be, maybe when I was three or four years old. I know that sounds weird, but it is true. Just lately, I’ve been recovering memories of that time. We lived in Tilgate, Crawley. My dad was still around, and we lived in a lovely three bedroom terraced house, tucked away in a quiet cul-de-sac not far from the forest. My first school was just up the road, I had other children in the street to play with, and I feel that I was happy.
The good memories are peppered with black days. Those were the days when my mum and dad fought with each other. My mum told me it was because of my father’s philandering and then lying about it. There were arguments about money too, but these days were among the happiest I can remember from way back then.
Part of me still feels sorry for that little boy, his potential squashed beneath the weight of expectation and poor choices. In the following years, I had to contend with my parent’s divorce and my mother’s relentless pursuit of the good times. The only saving grace was the love of my grandparents, and the home they provided us. Those years weren’t too bad, but I lacked the guidance that I needed. Anyway, I digress.
Happiness is a state of mind. By taking myself out of the social media loop, I’ve had time to think deeply about my future as a resident of this planet. That process has thrown up more questions than it has answers, but that is a good thing. I’ve realised that I need to move on, the second half of my life is just about to begin. So with these new found memories, and a determination to make some massive changes in, not only my life but the lives of my family too; I shall begin my journey.
The first job is to, well, er, get a job. I’ve tried and failed at so many things since I lost my job as a cinema technical manager, back in 2012. I’d dreamt for years of a role reversal, with me taking on the role of house husband, and that has happened. The trouble is that it has allowed me to have my head firmly in the clouds. Being a dreamer isn’t always conducive to getting things done, but I’ve tried over and over again to make my ideas come to fruition. None of these has made me a decent living, the only exception being my web design and social media management activities. But this still, was not enough.
Someone once said that you should love the work that you do, be passionate about it, almost fanatical. If you can do that, then you will almost certainly find happiness and fulfilment in your endeavours. I’ve been passionate, but that has allowed people to take advantage of my good nature. Much of the work that I have done that should have paid me very well has fallen somewhat short of the mark. This has happened over and over, and when I finally had the courage to “stick up for myself”, and insist that I am paid the money I deserve for the work that I do; my customers walked away, claiming I was now too expensive. It is soul destroying. Why does my putting a value on my time and my skill set, have to result in a loss of business? Know one seems to be able to tell me the answer. So, I quit. From now on I’ll be making my job, finding a job. I know how much I need to be paid, and I know, deep down inside, how I’m going to do it.
Until I find the job that I need, I will continue doing a few small freelance assignments, but that’s it. I’m going to take each day as it comes, daily meditation and mindfulness will make the process a lot easier. I am finally beginning to see the wood, despite the trees. With clarity comes focus, and with the focus I can find the confidence I need to let go of the past, taking the right feelings with me into the next stage of my life.
Until next time, adieu.
Z